When I heard my neighbours talking about the recent maladie which was over-running the town, I detected a certain disdain in their voices: they blamed the younger generation of parents for this illness to which they were referring. ‘Was it an outbreak of mumps, due to parents not having their children vaccinated?’ I asked. ‘Non,’ came the answer. ‘Was it the recent body piercing mania amongst adolescents?’ I continued, thinking that parents were being criticised for not putting their foot down. ‘Non,’ they replied.
The blight that had hit our small town in the south west of France was les tags – which we know as graffiti. The local abhorrence of this scribbling on other people’s property is reflected in that as soon as it appears, the local authorities try their best to clean it off.
Mutual Respect
There is an explanation for this strength of feeling. For people living in small villages and towns in provincial France, respect and consideration for others are principles of behaviour that they wish to live by.
Bonne foi, which means sincerity and honesty, are codes of conduct for these people, some with vineyards of which proof of ownership – even in these modern days – are not
written deeds, but a handshake made a couple of generations ago. When I first arrived here – having previously only lived in large British conurbations – it took some time getting used to an environment where not only do many of the local people know you or know of you, but where there is great mutual courtesy for one another.
Please And Thank You
There are certain words and phrases that are not only signs to the French of how polite or well brought up you are, but that are indicators that you are acknowledging those around you. The rudimentary ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ would seem easy enough. However, my children explained to me that – as teachers point out incessantly to their classes at school – it is not enough to simply say
merci. To really express respect for others, pupils are told to add a name or a polite form of address, as with
Merci Madame or
Merci Marie-Christine. Once I knew this, I understood too why mothers at the school gate would halt their child mid-sentence because they had omitted my name.
Hello
Bonjour is another small everyday word which any newcomer should take heed of. It needs to be said on entering public places – even the
boulangerie. Shrugging the idea off as a little excessive and being shy about any utterance to strangers, it took a number of cold stares to make me realise that it looked like I was ignoring people. After all, what does it cost to politely say hello to your local fellow citizen?
In order to prove to myself that the provincial French man, woman or child really does address others, I watched and listened while I was sitting in the local doctors’ waiting room. I witnessed how when a dozen or so entered in turn, each one gave a general hello to those of us already in the room.
As for shaking hands with people you know, I usually just follow the lead of others: if with their greeting, they stretch out their hand, then I shake it. However, it does seem that those around me shake hands every time they meet.
Even French children at school shake hands when greeting at the beginning of the day and at parting in the evening. In recent years, I have noticed more kissing (on the cheek) between boys with a special bond – those in the same sports teams or class – whereas in the past it would have only been between male family members.
Between adults, a female will kiss or be kissed when she has already met the person once socially. I say ‘socially’ because a French receptionist at my local tourist office complained to me how newly-arrived English people often insist on kissing her any time they come in for information. ‘They obviously think they know me now, but they don’t,’ she said. In case of doubt, it is better to wait to be kissed first.
Vous Or Tu
When I first arrived, I did not read the signs of polite, respectful behaviour correctly by my misuse of the word for ‘you’ in French. My French teacher years ago at school explained that there is the choice of two possibilities for the word ‘you’. It seemed straightforward at the time:
tu is for friends and people
you know well and
vous for those whom you have just met and for acquaintances. I understood that to mean that if I liked someone, I could chose to use the
tu form and – embarrassed by this as I am now – I must have been seen as very presumptuous and lacking in good breeding. The move from the use of
vous to
tu is a mutual decision and people whom you have recently met will ask if you agree to the use of this less formal form of you.
Even the French themselves smile when you ask for an explanation of why they are unable to bring themselves to using
tu with some people because it is so subtle.
Vous is a sign of respect for someone and no matter how well you get on with someone, the deference you feel towards the person makes you unable to feel comfortable with using
tu. So it is that most of my French friends use
vous to their in-laws! Another example of this is that despite having worked with some colleagues for many years and having got on well with them, we still use
vous because we want to show our respect for one another.
Interestingly, it seems to me that French women may kiss or be kissed hello or goodbye by someone she has only just met, whereas using
tu is adopted only after a relationship has matured.
La Carte De Visite
In my opinion, a very elegant and civilised form of exchange is the French custom of sending and receiving cards. Before coming to France, I had only read about calling cards in Jane Austin novels: how when the mistress of the house was not ‘in’, the visitor left her card with the servant. Nowadays, a good many French people have their own personalised cards printed – and
not just business people. These cards are sent out for a variety of purposes, with differing messages.
There is obviously a set protocol regarding this form of correspondence and it is not always clear for a new arrival exactly how to respond. Last summer, a neighbour sent her card with a message of congratulations to my son on passing an examination. We were very touched, put the card away and did not think any more of it until I was advised that the polite thing to do was to send my neighbour our own card back thanking her for
her congratulations.
I had a similar experience when I sent a note to a headteacher who was leaving the area, thanking him for his kindness to my children. The following day in my letter box – there it was – his card thanking me for thanking him. My French friends tell me that the rule of thumb is that if you receive a card then you need to respond to it.
The problem is of course, that codes of behaviour are not written down. You can look up a new word in the dictionary but only experience or friendly advice can tell you how to act in the appropriate way. Nevertheless, good manners in small communities in particular, should not be underestimated since even the smallest of gestures and signs of respect can go a long way to helping a foreigner fully integrate into his adopted new home.